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Top 12 Things NOT to say to a Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must have been goin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are You Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in surprisingly good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officers says "Gee Son.... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?

Top 16 Things Bill Gates would change about the Automotive Industry

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon". In response to Bill Gate's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. For some reason you would simply accept this. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. 11. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size. 12. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas. 13. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker - a first. 14. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. 15. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats. 16. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.

Top Ten Reasons To Buy A New Car

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places. 9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel. 8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped. 7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days. 6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?" 5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club." 4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt. 3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway. 2. You keep losing dates on left turns. 1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

Top Ten Reasons Why Not To Buy a SUV

10. EVERYONE ELSE drives one! 9. Too much vehicle for too much money. 8. Sucks more fuel than...well it just sucks! 7. Are you REALLY going to take that shiny new $40,000 SUV off road? 6. How can you "rough it" with a leather interior? 5. They're just cheap pickup trucks with back seats for an extra $20,000+. 4. They're too dang big! 3. Inferior overall safety. 2. Just like Chevy Chase's Family Truckster Wagon, except with four wheel drive. 1. Lemmings drown!

What the ads say versus what they really mean

•Needs minor work = Needs significant work •Needs nothing = Except a tow truck •Easy project car = Completely disassembled, bring many boxes •Minor rust = Don't sit down! •Minor rust = Major rust you can’t see... •Low mileage = Only 170,000 •Convertible = After driving under truck •Runs great = Too bad it doesn’t roll •Alarm = Wires are cut to sell stolen •Nice stereo = To overcome exhaust noise •Needs paint = To cover rust •New paint = Beautifully covers rust •Fully loaded = Seller is too •All options = 8-Track player •Only 59,000 miles = Actually 359,000 miles •Rare model = One of 500,000 made •Must sell = Before the law finds seller •Must sell = Need bail money •Summer fun = Roof leaks in winter •Summer fun = Won't make it to fall •Reliable = Don't leave the neighborhood •Daily driver = 400 miles a day •Only driven Sundays = Sunday is race day •Engine rebuilt = Engine degreased to look it •Doesn’t smoke = No oil to burn, or 90wt oil •Trans. rebuilt = Fine sawdust used to make it quiet •4 Speed gearbox = 5th Gear is dead •Hurry, won't last = Neither will car •New tires = Retreads years ago •Well maintained = Oil changed every other leap year •Drives like dream = Nightmare •Car cover = To help keep out rats •Always garaged = Embarrassed to leave it outside •Family owned = Driven by 6 teenagers •Fully restored = Nothing original •Tags till next year = Stolen year sticker •Moving, must sell = Off to jail, need bail money

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